A Warrior's Journey

I had a real weird night yesterday. Just before I slept, I had this nagging feeling inside me to get up TWICE to check and lock all the doors and windows to the apartment. We live on the 4th floor and it has been relatively safe so far, no 'Spiderman' of any kind... So last night was weird in that I would feel prompted (Don't know if by Holy Spirit or not) to get up from a warm cosy bed, not once but twice to check on doors and windows which I thought were locked but were not.

In my sleep, I dreamt my father passed away in Singapore and I woke up in tears.

"u noe wad...@ that very moment it hit me that i should share with her about christinity..i mean i didn't go to church camp for no reason..
but who am i kidding...i don't even go to church anymore...
oh well...i feel kind of bad..." - Minyi (one of my sunday sch kids, taken from her blog)

Before I left Singapore, I invited Minyi to go for Meta. She did and I believed Meta Extreme: I'm loving Him was a good, learning experience for her. She blogged about how she should have shared Christ with this old lady who was with her on the train, but felt hypocritical I guess because she had stopped going to church anyway. After reading this post, I really questioned my role as a mentor to these kids. I know its not up to me to cause growth in their lives, I know its not in my ability to convict. But I just feel like...

I've failed them.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Thinking about why I'm over here in Australia. Many of you all know I will most likely go into full-time missionary work with Campus Crusade upon graduation. The question that bugs me is, 'join staff do full-time work need degree wan meh?' No, you do not need a degree to do full-time Christian ministry. In fact, many of my mentors in SCCC are equipped with only a basic diploma. A more haunting question would be, 'to do well in the media industry in Singapore need degree wan meh?' Again, the answer is no. Even while I was in the army, many of my peers (the gals) have gone on to production houses and the like, surviving in the media industry. In the media industry, if you have talent, people will know and see from your work. They will not care about your paper qualifications.

So what am I doing in Australia, having my parents spend so much on my education, when ultimately, it won't matter if I'm a graduate?

This question(s) have been at the back of my mind the past few weeks. As I examine myself and my thoughts, I can only honestly say, 'I don't know why/what I'm doing in Australia... but I'm guessing its because of...

1. Peer pressure. All the people closest to me are graduates. (Haha, except E and Ron, oh the irony) My older brother is a grad. My BB brothers are all grads, even the majority of my BS group in Ngee Ann will be grads. I had always tried to justify my academic ambitions with my parent's expectations. From young, we (my bro and I) already know our parents expect or are willing to support us till we get our degrees. The 'goal' from as young as I remember was to get to the BA stage. However, the months prior to my coming to Sydney, my mum suddenly began asking me to study in Singapore instead, questioning the purpose of an overseas education, studying in Singapore would entail La Selle or NAFA or something like that. I guess they knew then how expensive an overseas education would be cos they had my brother as a reference. 'Weren't you the ones who wanted me to get a degree in the first place? Now you're saying you would rather I study in Singapore or not study anymore?' In fact, had I not decided to study but go into full-time ministry immediately like Ron, I think they would have rather welcomed the idea. Still, like I've said, I don't really know why I'm in Australia now but I guess peer pressure is a factor. I have a hypothesis. After graduating from VS, all my BB brothers, save Marcus and I, went into JC. All through those years, I've struggled to find a common ground with them as they go through JC and as I go through the first years in Poly (yes, I went through 2 freshmen years in Poly remember?). The common ground we had which bonded us still was our involvement in the Boys' Brigade. We all came back to become instructors (oh how I loathe this word now) for the Sec. 1 recruits. I started to drift from them when they went into NS and I started being more involved in ministry. I tried to identify with them, every sunday I would hear of the army talk and army stories and I never got bored of them since I know I would be entering into NS soon myself. However, that was when our common ground started becoming smaller. They could not relate to the sudden enthusiasm I have for evangelism and discipleship (I even started taking on and mentoring a Sunday school class) and I cannot relate to their army life. When they went into Uni, I went into NS. Now the roles were reversed. They couldn't relate to my army experience because they weren't in the same unit (except Philip but he was in another dept) so they couldn't understand the shit I went through and although there were similarities between Uni life and Poly life, I couldn't relate to their experiences either. I guess I really want to be able to find another common ground with them again. I wanted to touch base with them again. Perhaps when I've graduated, I would be on common ground with them again.

2. My opinion (opinion ah, not conviction) that Singapore cannot provide a good education in the arts due to the amount of censorship. Lets face it, censorship in S.E.A countries is definitely stricter than in Australia. In Australia, many of the student works I see here are openly critical of the Howard administration. You try painting a piece of work that makes a fool of Lee Hsien Long lah, see how your lecturer will break into a sweat. The culture is just so different here. You have demonstrations and protests. Just a few weeks ago, we had a student rally against Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU) which is a bill going to be passed by the government. It will shut down all of the student clubs and unions now run by the school which the students automatically pay for, like Student Association (their version of our Student Union) and many other service/benefits that the students use. The rally actually clashed with one of my lectures. The dean of the school gave permission for students to skip lecture to attend the rally and demonstration and the lecturer even encouraged people to skip his lecture to go for the demo. Tell me Singapore where got like this wan?

3. I wanted to run away. My time in the army cemented every negative thing I had come to associate Singapore with. Its systems and its meritocracy and all that. I couldn't stand being in Singapore anymore. I had to leave. I had to see what it was on the outside. As mrbrown so aptly puts it, I wanted to experience the grober buzz. I don't want to stay in Singapore and have this myopic mindset of what the world is like. Ok, Australia doesn't really do justice to this 'seeing the world' bit but at least its a start, at least I'm out and on my own. Proving myself? I guess, in a way that's what I'm doing. I want to go out and pit myself against the world and see how I fare. I want to have a wider reach. There is of course another more personal reason why I wanted to escape, wanted to run. But that shall remain a private matter.

4. Australia is cheaper than US and UK. Haha, oh man how that myth is broken for me. Cheap my head ah. In a couple of years time, Australia will be cutting off a sizable part of their GDP when, at the rate in which they increase their education fees, people will realise it won't cost much of a difference to study in Oz than say the US or UK.

At the end of the day, I'm still wondering why/what I'm doing in Australia. The above are all my internal 'justifications' to myself. Perhaps there is a deeper reason, perhaps the Lord will fish it out of me in due time. I do know that His ways are higher than ours and He will see me through whatever trials and tribulations I must go through in this land down under. Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

I'm going to be doing a presentation in class tomorrow and the subject will be on blogs. Specifically, the Singapore blog. Blogging has been happening in Singapore since the mid ninties with pioneers with the likes of mrbrown and Colin Goh with his talkingcock.com website. Then along came the likes of propangdhi and Mr Miyagi, Cowboy Caleb and many many more.

The thing about Singapore blogs is that it is a very rare development in a country and culture like Singapore where media is spoon-fed to the masses and where the head editor for the Straits Times is not even trained as a journalist but as an Intelligence officer. Singapore media is heavily censored and rarely portrays the government in a negative light. This is common knowledge. With new emerging technologies readily found in the internet, the average Singaporean now has the ability to get on the web and make his views known. This has only been possible in recent years. As Blogger so aptly puts it, putting a blog on the web is as easy as 3 simple steps.

So lo and behold, Singaporeans can potentially be passive and quiet no longer. Many of the Singaporean blogs I've come across are actually quite entertaining reads. Reading about someone's life or his/her viewpoints towards religion, political stuff (both favorite reads of mine), relationships, social issues has been my entertainment and link back to my home country while I'm currently in a foreign land. Whilst there are 'serious, intellectual' discussions (yes, there is such a thing as a comment box), most of the stuff you read in a Singaporean blog are usually light hearted and just banter. This isn't necessarily a bad thing of course, we don't want to be engaging our minds all the time.

Still I guess we all have different reasons for having a blog and publishing our thoughts online. For me, this blog serves to update people whom I know personally of what is happening to me. A place where I can vent my thoughts. I do not know for sure who visits this blog, but that is of little consequence. What matters is that I'm making my voice heard. It is my belief that a blog can be a very effective evangelistic tool. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of approaching your pre-believer friends with the gospel message. Fear of rejection, fear of putting them off Christians, fear of... oh I don't know, whatever you reason is. Regardless of these fears, I see the same people readily pouring our their feelings/thoughts onto their blogs. A blog is therefore a very easy way to share your faith in a non-threatening way. You have exact control over how your words will be put forth. How they will be interpreted, of course, is entirely out of your control.

But don't you see? If ever serious Christian, in a tertiary institution, would put forth the gospel in their blogs, think of the reach the message would have. Its as easy as simply putting a link to the 4SL in your blog! Think of the possibilities. But of course, the hurdle facing many of us is, "what would my friend/reader think of me if they found out I was a Christian?" If that is your worry, then that is the least of your concerns, if you know what I mean.

Yesterday, I spent almost 2 hours talking to E on the phone. All our phone calls usually happen with me spotting her online (as rare as that occurs) and promptly deciding to call her at home. I think its the longest I've ever had in terms of international calls. We shared what was going on in our lives and even got to reminiscing old times. She reminded me that the first time I ever asked her out was to a Philip Yancey seminar at WTC! (before it was called Harbourfront) And I even recall getting another 'lightbulb' along just so it wouldn't be so darn obvious. Shan't reveal who that was, haha. And subsequently the times we spent together in the ministry of Campus Crusade. I even remember, though I didn't tell her, that a certain brother (who brought her into SCCC meetings) also had a crush on her and when he found out I liked her as well, we sorta had a 'confrontation' of sorts which lead to a 'may the best man win' conclusion. Haha, amusing to me now that I think about it. I'm not worried about her reading this because I think she knows about this crush anyway. In fact as I think about the many things we did together in Poly, I was really having a quiet laugh at the way our Lord orchestrated all this in the midst of our immaturity.

I was told she had already replied to my snail mail and should be expecting it anytime now. I opened up the mailbox eagerly in the morning and was a lil disappointed that there wasn't a letter lah. The postman usually delivers in the morning and since t'was already around 12plus, it meant to me at least that there wasn't gonna be any delivery that day. When I got home from school and grocery shopping, I decided to give the mailbox a try. Don't ask me why, I just decided to try it again. Lo and behold, there was Airmail. Without even looking at the addressee I knew it was my eagerly anticipated letter, haha. Read it the moment I got home and... well of course I won't share here what she wrote.. I shall just say it was an encouragement and an insight.

More and more I see her as a compliment to me. We are not alike. We do not have the same tastes. We are quite different actually. However, we share key convictions. We both think in a very similar fashion. More and more I see or sense God preparing my heart for no other. This period of waiting is an extension of the period spent while I was in the army. A time of moulding and preparation.

I know a lot of you don't understand our hesitation and in a way I can understand why. Perhaps I should share a little of our thought processes and I think it can be summed up in the term 'expectations.'

When two people come together, there will be expectations from both parties. One side will be higher, one side will be lower. I won't say if its wrong or right to have expectations in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage of a relationship. I do think that this expectation will flesh itself out in a marriage relationship. Meaning that in a marriage, expectations will be there and will have to be met. I think one must not ignore the fact that expectations arise in any relationship, pre or post marriage. Obviously, in a long distance relationship, such expectations can and will arise to problems. One such expectation would be time. In any relationship, the best indicator of love is time. The more time you spend with each other, the closer your relationship and the stronger it will be. This is true with any other relationship you might have, not just romantically.

I don't deny that me and E have zero expectations of each other now. I think we do. But these are small and manageable. If we are to enter into a relationship where there is exclusive commitment then I think its suffice to say that our mutual expectations will increase somewhat to a level that cannot be met while we're so far apart geographically. Thus I think it would not be fair to both of us to enter into a relationship now.

Of course there are many other factors, and perhaps when I feel more up to it another day I might expound a lil more. Feel free to give your comments or what not.

Its getting to be a painful experience washing the dishes every night. And I mean that in the most literal way possible, haha. The water is so cold that it feels as if I'm putting my hand under running ice water which, if you've ever tried it, gives a darn nasty sting. Its so freaking cold.

Its getting so cold that I just want to lie in bed the whole day and its really becoming a struggle to get up and get going for school in the morning. Especially so when its raining outside and the winds are blowing and temperatures drop to like 13-14 degrees...

Brrr...

Chee Yee was my Boys' Brigade Captain from when I was in Sec 1. He is still the captain of Second Singapore Company of which I will always be a part of. When I join SCCC, Chee Yee will become my colleague as he has been on staff for many years and presently a member care staff with SCCC. He has this to say about what fulfillment in staff life is.

“Knowing that you are doing what God wants and enjoying it 70% of the time.”

Hmm, interesting...

on a side note, here's a link to Ron's blog entry about Christopher. Mirrors my thoughts.

He has gone home to the Lord, this morning, in the midst of his battle with Leukemia. One of the first of my peers to join the Crusade staff family. I need to collect my thoughts first. To all who know him, pray for his family and Winnie ok?

If you're in Sydney, you will be able to tell that the weather has been turning colder. Even the angmohs think its cold. It doesn't rain as often but the temperature and the winds have been getting worse. Its now mostly 18-19 degrees in the day and when it gets dark, which usually happens around 4-5pm, it can fall to around 15 degrees. Today I've finally been 'forced' to wear my winter coat. Well, I call it my winter coat cos its the thickest one I've got. Its actually one of those nifty 2-in-1 kinda coats where you can actually just wear the inner layer by itself which makes for a real 'orbit' looking grey sweater so I usually either wear the black outer coat as a windbreaker or I wear em as a combi, never the inner grey sweater thing by itself. This morning was so cold when I had to go to school that I had to don the combi. I had been putting off wearing my thickest coat as I wanted to acclimatize myself to the cold weather, opting instead for my off-white Nike windbreaker, which incidentally is my 21st birthday present.

And like I always say, "the worse is yet to come" (as opposed to 'the best is yet to be', haha my private joke with the ACSians I know) so winter is going to be much much worse, with temperatures dropping, reputedly, to single digit numbers. And a church couple I know, they are OCFers, actually invited a few of us to go skiing. I can only imagine how cold it will be on the ski slope but since I've never tried it before, ah well, I thought maybe I should give it a try. I don't know, there's supposedly a 2 month break for winter and loads of activities. I've got a lot of choices, or so it seems...

There's the OCF Annual Retreat (most likely going but..)
The FEVA Mid Year Conference (thinking of going but...)
The Hillsongs Conference (... clash with OCF retreat)
Ski Trip (... clash with FEVA MYC)

but somehow, despite all these choices, the only place I want to be back home in Singapore.
Oh if money wasn't an issue, how much do I long to be back home celebrating her birthday with her, even if its just for a week...

Who understands me? Other than God, who really understands me? And that is a very genuine need of humanity isn't it. Just as a body has many members, so does the church. We are all different and we play different parts. Since we are all different, we bring together different backgrounds, viewpoints, emotions and cultures. Conflict is inevitable. Throughout the history of the church (and even humanity), conflict has existed. In fact, more often than not, the disunity of the church is one of the reasons many do not want to be involved in Christianity, religion etc. Today, I'm reminded, 'conflict is inevitable.'

My roommate tonight, suddenly lashed out his pent up frustration with me not contributing to the house in the area of housework. I'll be the first one to admit that in terms of household chores (washing your own clothes and cleaning your own dishes excluded) they are doing much more than me. And its not because I don't want to or I'm so lazy that I can't be bothered, its just that we have varying 'standards' (I don't know what other word to use) towards cleanliness and every time, just before my threshold is reached, they (for its not just my roommate who feels this way) will clean it up any mess and feel resentment in their hearts. Resentment might be a real harsh word to use here but I'm just using the most appropriate word I feel. You can substitute it with any other word you deem fit, I think you get my idea. Apparently, this resentment has been building up till tonight when they finally 'exploded.'

I pointed out to them the fact that I know I have household responsibilities and I cited examples when I did my part. Also pointed out the fact that since we're all different as individuals, we would suffice to say, have differing standards when it came to cleanliness. I then proposed a roster system in which we would all stick to a prefixed duty roster so that we eliminate any misunderstandings and or rise for unnecessary conflict.

"No, having a roster system would make it very regimental. I don't like that feeling. I want to be doing my housework willingly."

Ok... so what do you propose we should do? Since we both have differing standards of cleanliness, am I suppose to read your mind as to when your threshold is reached and then clean up the mess? When I commit to a roster, it is out of obligation and I willingly put myself in that circumstance. How would having a roster thus render you 'unwilling' in doing household chores?

I hate mind-reading. My closest friends know what mind-reading and guesswork has done to me and E. My housemates say they do not do their household chores unwillingly and they do it because they choose to do it and choose to feel good about it. Great, I understand all that. Then why do you feel bad/uneasy/unjust when Andrew supposedly doesn't do his part? They tell me they do not want a roster because they do not want to be 'obligated' to do household chores. Perhaps I should help them understand the concept of 'obligation.' I shall go out of my way to do household chores in the coming weeks. Even in the midst of my busy assignments and projects, I will go out of my way to do the chores. I will not allow any of them to do it.

When they feel a certain kinda 'uneasiness.' "No, that's not guilt from being obligated to do your chores. We should all be doing this willingly right, all happy with smiles and sugar and honey and all that. So when you see Andrew doing all the work, why should you feel bad? He's doing it willingly right?"

Nah, I won't do it. For to do something like so, would be stumbling my brother. Lord, help me to love my brothers and not stumble them.



(Who understands me, who really understands me? My 'right hand' is away on a mission trip to the Philippines. He and I are as different as night and day [ok, maybe an exaggeration] but he and I have the same heart. And he really understands me. Times like this I really miss my best friend, my 'right hand.' The reason why I'm closer to the Crusade staff then any other bunch in the world is this. We all have the same heart and passion for the Lord and missions. We all have that one goal, that one purpose. No, we're not without faults. I will be the first to admit that Campus Crusade staff are full of fallacies. But hey, even though all the crusade staff are so different, we are all united by a common heartbeat.)

You all know I cycle quite a bit in Singapore, if I can find my kakis like Xuexin and Ron along. But I've hardly had the chance to do so in Australia. Last Sat, finally got that chance when I visited the Olympic park on bike with a coupla OCF peeps. Been along while since I had to don a helmet, haha. Here we are under this water sculpture thingy in the park, interesting rite?

At Circular quay, with the infamous Opera House in the background.

Real simple I tell you. 2 packets Super 3-in-1 Coffee + 2 scoops of Ovaltine = Homemade Mocha Coffee. The simple things in life.

Yesterday was the last day the public had the opportunity to pay respects to Dr Wee Kim Wee, former president of Singapore. He was my first president leh. When I was a kid, he was who I thought a president of a country should be, simply because he was the president. Nevermind that he wasn't elected to office like the other two who came later. He did his job and that was all that mattered. I didn't know Dr Wee personally, I mean hello I was just a kid, but one of the elders in the church (Zion Gospel Mission) was a badminton kaki of Dr Wee's and he showed me all their badminton photos and for a young kid at that time, I'm like 'woah.' As I read through all in the news about what Dr Wee has done for the common man, I couldn't help but feel this was a man who got his act together. I'm not sure if he's Christian but if Elder Goh ever got through to him, I'm sure I'll see him in heaven someday. *Salute* Goodbye, Mr President.

Something weird ok maybe 'weird' ain't that good a word to use. Ok, something happened last week lah. E had a brief fainting spell during her worship practice. Due to her recent spate of busyness, it was or should be caused by exhaustion. She's had these before and of course I was concerned. What was interesting to note however was that only a few days ago, I had posted her a letter stating my anguish in being helpless to meet her needs or show her concern if anything were to happen to her while I was in Sydney and vice versa. Implying that its probably wise of us not to enter into a relationship now given our circumstances. And lo, as if to prove my point, she faints.

I guess thats all I wanted to say, just a lil something. As if God was saying, 'See? Now thats why I don't want you too together yet. Trust me, I have her, I have you, in my hands.' God's a joker I tell you, a real joker.

A few weeks into my arrival in Sydney, I found a quaint little comic book shop in Chinatown which rents comics, anime DVDs etc. Today as I went downtown to Chinatown to return some comics I had rented previously, I met an elderly lady at the counter whom I've not met before. I presumed she's like one of the lady bosses of the chain or something cos they have branches elsewhere in Sydney. My previous visits all had reasonably young, probably collage kids manning the counter. So she looked up from her work, saw me, looked me over and started conversing with me in Cantonese, asking for my membership member and all that. I had previously held up the book and muttering something in mandarin akin to 'I want to return these.' When I told her my membership number distinctly in mandarin, she switched to mandarin as well. What I find amiable about this shop is that all its attendants can switch flawlessly between mandarin and cantonese and even english though I have to admit their english is very heavily accented.

However as she began processing the return of my books, she somehow had to lapse into cantonese again and when I was able to reply her in cantonese, she remarked, 'ah I thought you were able to speak cantonese, you looked like you would be speaking cantonese.' I told her, in my smattering cantonese, that I was Singaporean and cantonese would be my 3rd if not 4th language and she remarked, 'singaporean wah, very smart wat, can understand so many languages.'

I can only smile and nod since I really did understand what she meant but I had no retort for it. I'm just bemused that I 'look like one who can speak cantonese.' Then why do so many of my enciks in SAF spout hokkien to me even though I reply them in mandarin or english?!