A Warrior's Journey

I guess I should really sit down and reflect on what has been going on in my walk with God the past few weeks. I should do so before its lost to me. Man have this bad habit of forgetting you know. School has already started. I'm taking 2 practical modules and 2 theory modules. Oh boy, ain't it gonna be a blast... then again, I've always done better with the theory stuff than I've been with the practical stuff, don't ask me why. This past holidays, I've been to two Christian camps. The first was the OCF annual retreat to Merroo in the Blue Mountains and the second to Winmalee, also in the Blue Mountains.

The first camp which was the OCF camp was a nice fun time. A combined retreat between the UNSW and USYD OCFers. The UNSW bunch seem entirely made up of guys. Haha, got sisters in the ministry also lah, but very few. People like Vivi 姐 (private joke) and Hui Xia. The USYD bunch however, seem made up almost exclusively of gals. Got brothers also lah, like Mat rocker James, Vincent, Mervin, Tai, etc... Anyway, we went through the book of Jeremiah, taught to us by Andrew Shiead, a bible teacher at Moore Theological College. Jeremiah is a very hard book to study. In it, God reveals His will to the prophet Jeremiah, a righteous man in an unrighteous time. There was to be no more mercy for Israel, she has gone before her idols long enough... Jeremiah is torn between both sides. On one hand he is begging for mercy on behalf of the Israelites (he is one of them after all) and on the other hand, he is emphatic towards God's holy anger. I guess the one prevalent thing I managed to get (or rather has stuck in my mind) after the whole annual retreat was that... God is a God of judgment as much as He is a God of compassion. Why do our churches now speak so much of mercy, grace and compassion but not on judgment? One of the questions posed to me had been, "If you believed that God is a God of judgment too, how different would you live your life?"

There was nice fellowship time during the OCF retreat, getting to know the OCFers better. Many of them are from asian countries so culturally, there wasn't much of a barrier. Overall, I enjoyed myself.

Now the FEVA MYC was much much different from AR. For one, there were only a handful of asians in the camp and the only 2 international students there were me and Aaron. We had heaps of fun and heaps of bible studies and heaps of angmoh 'culture' the whole week. 'Heaps' is apparently quite a well loved word in Aussie culture. It was the most bible filled week I've ever had. The Metamorphosis camps don't even come close. Its like from waking up at 8am till sleeping at 10pm, there must be like 12+ hours of bible study. The topic was on 'church' and we did a study of Ephesian and 1 Timothy. Both books are written by Paul and deal very directly at what church IS and what it needs to DO, BE etc. There are other books of course but these two are very direct in their approach.

Some of you might know I'm currently feeling very lost about my ministry in KKMC (my home church in Singapore). Upon my return, I shall be one of its missionaries under the banner of Campus Crusade for Christ. But I've got no fixed ministry there. I used to be in Youth min, but that got chilled due to time commitments with Crusade and I used to be in Music ministry but I left that to be with the Youth. I've always had a passion for youth. By youth I mean people from upper sec onwards. That is the period in time, as I've learnt, when a young man searches for role models. If he cannot find it within the church, he will look for his role model elsewhere. I've been discipled from when I was 17 and one after another, my mentors have deeply impacted my life. I too hope to influence others for Christ. However, ever since my army days, I've felt alienated from the Youth ministry and from people in the church in general. I don't know why but my peer group in church (the 1980ish batch) weren't there or were unable to support me or should I say, connect to me at all. Only my Crusade buddies could. Perhaps it was cos we were all in NS at the same time so we could emphatise with what each other is going through.

Anyway, I was feeling very apathetic (yes, thats the word) towards KKMC and I thought it would be a good idea to head to this camp and perhaps God would speak to me about my place in KKMC. I learnt heaps and I'm real glad i went for the camp. Actually, I thought the whole camp was like a revision of Biblical Theology, the course I did as part of OCF bible studies. In BT, we examined God's provision for his people from OT times all the way till the present. And really, what is church but "the gathering of God's people, in the name of Christ and to proclaim Him, seeking to teach and admonish each other so as to present everyone fragrant to Christ." Or in short, God's people, under God's rule in God's land. At the end of the camp, I'm reminded once again of the hope every Christian should have. How wonderful this hope we have. That our present circumstances are but a means of testing us, refining us for the glory ahead of us.

I've also had time during the camp to reflect upon the role of the husband as a leader and also my friendship with E. Commitment. Am I ready? Can I readily give it? Life. Am I willing to lay my life for her as Christ lays His life for the church? One of my action points for this camp is to pray more for her. I made a prayer list of things I'm going to pray about. I won't post the details here of course but there are some words I wrote down which were quick prayer pointers for her in my heart. If you wish to pray these for her, you are very welcome to.

Faith. Hope. Love. Peace. Strength.

I'm back from FEVA's MYC in Winmalee conference centre. One intense bible-filled week. Too much for me to digest, I gotta gather my thoughts. Will update when I can. School starts next week, sian...

One bear down. Eleven more to go...

UPDATE
Actually, its 12 more to go. I will find the last bear!

And I passed! 3C1D. 3 credits and 1 distinction, hehe. My 3D module can get credit somemore, wah not bad liao. Considering they freaking sent me a letter saying I might fail the subject...

So Aaron has arrived safely in Sydney. I went to pick him up at the airport. It was hilarious I tell you. When I took bus number 400 towards Burwood, I expected the bus to reach the airport. This it did. However, since my only other experience was in leaving the airport via a cab, I didn't know where exactly the bus would lead me and so on. Thus when it reached the airport, I alighted and proceeded to find my bearings and find my way to the international arrival hall where Aaron would be. Funny thing was, everywhere around me were flights from Qantas and budget carriers like Virgin Blue. I had alighted at the domestic terminal instead of the international terminal! And here I thought they were linked when they're actually 5-10 mins away from each other. So I sian half lor, gotta take another bus to the international terminal. His M1 auto roam wasn't able to get through to me and he was quite panicky already when I finally reached the international terminal.

So I found him and we took a cab back to Kingsford. Then after putting his bags and settling down, we proceed to school to settle his UNSW enrollment admin as well as give him a tour of the campus. Wah, really very steady man. The amount of things we got settled on his FIRST day of arrival, I personally didn't settle until the end of the week. I showed him around campus (no one did that for me), brought him to settle his student card and Unipass (which I did only on the 3rd day of arrival) and get his medibank card (which I also only got like on the 4th or 5th day of arrival). We also opened a bank account and he will be getting his ATM card soon. I think its because its the 2nd session so there isn't that much of a crowd who are also starting up their university careers. Day 2, we went to settle his COFA enrollment admin. The staff at the student centre were surprised we were there so early and that most of our admin stuff had been done. He got his enrollment and timetable finalized to something he wanted and I was able to tweak my timetable as well. Settled his borrower's card and COFA pass and he is basically all set for school! All done in the span of 2 days! It took me almost 1.5 weeks to settle everything.

Next week, me and him will be heading to FEVA Mid Year Conference. Oh and results are out tomorrow so be praying for me ya?

During the retreat, one of the talks that got more of my attention was the one given by Dinesh (a Singaporean Theological student in Sydney) regarding full-time Christian ministry. First of all, what is Christian ministry? Think about it, what is the aim of Christian ministry? What has been the chief aim of us staff as we go to campuses day after day. The chief end of ministry as outlined by Paul in Colossians is to proclaim Christ and teach and admonish believers so as to spur one another to Christian maturity. How often have I admonished others in love recently? I realised that I've not been doing this as often as I ought to or used to. In my previous role as a sunday school teacher, have I admonished the kids and thus spur them on towards maturity? The teaching part I've got down pat. Its the admonishing part that I neglected to do. Was this what was lacking in my ministry then? Have I gone soft? I realise that ever since I've come out of the army, I've not been admonishing in love. Do I fear resentment? Do I want so much to be liked that I do not do what is necessary? Am I afraid others would judge me instead? I use to admonish quite a lot. At least I hope to think that I did. Admonishing in love. Somehow I think I've lost that.

Another thing that Dinesh mentioned was a few prerequisites or characteristics that a full-time worker would have. One was that he would be a man of integrity. He would have the gift/ability of teaching. He must have a desire to serve. Integrity. I would like to think I have this. Of course, it would mean throwing away any pirated copy of software I have (OS 10.4, I have but I never install, but that's not the point) and not buying or watching any pirated film. I guess if it came down to it, it wouldn't be a very hard thing to do but would I want to?

This entry is being typed at the railway station while waiting for the other OCFers to arrive. I took out my Powerbook in an attempt to see if there was a wireless network anywhere in the station. Since most airports and commercial transport centres have wireless connections already, I thought what the heck, Sydney railway maybe would have a free wireless network too right? The reason I thought this was because Central station is the main station that connects the suburban areas of Sydney as well as the station that connects Sydney to the rest of Australia. Coupled with the fact that Sydney is supposed to be the major city in Australia. However as I took out my Powerbook and switched Airport on, there was silence. Nothing... not even a hint of any signal in the station. Well, what can I say, this is Sydney. Hehe...

The rest of this entry is now being typed en route to Richmond, which is the closest station to the campsite we will be going to on the Blue Mountains. Retreat. Its been sometime since I've been on retreat. I remember I used to have those like once fortnightly. Back in the good ol' days of being in Ngee Ann crusade, immersed in that 'spiritual culture' where good spiritual habits like going for fortnightly retreats were encouraged by those Crusade staff around me. The rationale being that it is good, every now and then, to retreat from the front lines, to seek refreshment from God and thus be encouraged, be renewed so to speak, for the next battle, for the journey ahead.

When I went into the army though, all these spiritual disciplines went out the window. I still do quiet time. I still read the Bible. I still read Christian authors. However, due to the fact that I am an instructor, I have very little free time for myself. My weekends usually start only well into Saturday afternoon. And more often than not, I am just so physically and mentally drained by all that army crap that I usually spend the time off sleeping or lazing around on computer games and all that. I do not have the mood to engage in 'spiritual stuff.' I miss those days. I've been thinking of and missing my time spent in Ngee Ann recently. Part of the reason is her lah, I don't deny that. Thinking of the happy times we spent together before all that army crap began and our friendship went downhill from there. Part of the reason (or reasons) is also the 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrome. When you were in the army, suffering from all that a NSF suffers, you begin thinking of your release (ORD and what you were gonna do after you ORDed) and for me in particular, I began thinking of going to Australia and all the cool things I will learn in UNSW, the excitement of studying and surviving in a foreign country. After having been in Australia for coming to 5 months, I can safely say all my bubbles, of preconceived notions of the bliss that studying in Oz would bring, have all been burst. Thus as one in my position is prone to do, you begin reminiscing of the good ol' days when your media lecturers were so much more competent than they are now and you had good solid Christian support around you.

Still i cannot say I regret coming to Australia. Sure, its education system may not be very friendly towards international students, its prices are crazy, its people (Caucasians) aren't always friendly to asians. There are plus points to coming to study in Australia too. The train is now rumbling along the countryside and I see outside the window, as far as the eye can see, green pastures accompanied by a sky that seems so vast as you can literally see the green pastures and skyline meet at the horizon. Its a sublime beauty inherent in God's creation that you just cannot see nowadays in Singapore, with all the concrete around us.

I don't know if I'm looking forward to this retreat. I don't know why I am here. Is it out of obligation? Lord, I need to hear your voice. I need to see Your face. I need to feel you near. I really don't know Lord, what to expect for this coming OCF retreat. Lord, help me to see. Thy Will be done.

I will be away. Going to the Blue Mountains for OCF retreat, coming back on Sunday.

Its all about endurance these days. I feel like God is just telling me to 'endure.' Being so far away from home, away from my loved ones. No one to hear my woes, no support from those around me. Even though I'm in a so-called Christian environment, I feel closer to my non-christian classmates than to my housemates or the OCFers. I always thought army was a time of preparing me for the world. Coming from a somewhat sheltered Poly life, army showed me what the world was like, how dark it was and all that. He put extremely worldly people around me in an extremely worldly unit. I thought if I can survive being amongst these 'heathen,' I could pretty much survive through anything. Now he has placed me amongst Christian housemates. I thought things would be different, but I was wrong. Guess I also have to learn to relate with Christians as well. I don't know whether I'm too immature or I expect too much or what. Maybe I am expecting too much. Independence. Catch phrase of the day. Learning to be rely on no one but yourself. Is that what I'm to learn over here? Am I to learn the frailty of man? I really don't know how to react to my housemates sometimes. Just the other day, it was getting late and I was wondering about dinner. During semester time, we take turns to cook. Now that semester is over, suddenly everything is 'own time own target.' I asked casually what we were going to do for dinner and they suddenly said they got invited to a potluck and were going over to another's friend's house for dinner. I'm like, "So you tell me only now? So basically if I didn't ask, when it came time to leave, you would have all abandoned me and I would have to either cook or buy myself?" What gives? I've learnt to be very simple. My needs are few. I would love to think my buttons are very hard to find and push but lately they keep getting pressed. Endure Andrew, endure...

(maybe I'm just frustrated from having to miss her birthday. I don't know...)

Last time, I gave my trainees 'Stand by Area.' Now, my housing agent give me 'Stand by Area.'

A question folks, "What are you waiting for?"

Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. Being content is not pretending that everything is the way it should be, it is not acting as though you have no wishes. Rather, it is no longer being ruled by your desires.
The fact is, at this point in our journey, we have only three options: (1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted. There are no other choices. Most of the world lives in addiction; most of the church has chosen deadness. The Christian is called to the life of holy longing. But we don't like to stay there. A.W. Tozer perceived that "there is within human heart a tough, fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is t possess, always to possess." And why do we seek to possess? So that we do not have to live in thirst, trusting our hearts each day to the goodness of God. To live in thirst is to live in ache. How is it possible to satisfy an insatiable desire? Merely trying sets us on an unending chase that leads us farther and farther from home. - John Eldredge, Journey of Desire

What can this incessant craving, this impotence of attainment mean, unless there was once a happiness belonging to man, of which only the faintest traces remain, in that void which he attempts to fill with everything within his reach? But it is in vain he seeks from absent objects the relief things present cannot give, and which neither of them can give; because in a soul that will live forever, there is an infinite void that nothing can fill, but an infinite unchangeable being. - Pascal, Pensees

Aussie internet really sucks. The service you get here is really lack luster. I'm not saying Singaporeans have very good service standards, in fact, I personally think service standards in Singapore is still somewhat lacking. However, in Singapore, if you have sub standard performance, you will usually get complained against. Here, Aussies don't care if they kenna any complains.

The story is that since Edmund is graduating, Wernz would have to take over the various bills and stuff lah. Our telephone land line and broadband is provided under the same company. Telstra. Something like Singtel and Singnet like that. So just change over account only mah, no big deal right? Just change the name and bank account. Billing address all that the same what. But no~~~ The broadband had to go down. It went inactive for more than 24 hours. Not just the internet, the phone line went dead as well. Potentially meaning that if something happened in Singapore to one of our loved ones and if they lost our handphone numbers or anything, we are potentially uncontactable! The morning after, the landline came back up. We called Telstra and they said they needed 4 working days to reinstate the broadband. What gives?! This is supposedly a first world country leh, where your accounts should be managed within a network and all that you need to do is click a button to change users right? You need to relay the phone lines to the house meh? You need to do server maintenance I understand, but why you got no warning and can just cut off the internet wan! What if the person relies on the internet to make his living? Who's going to pay for his damages?? Sigh... I think I'm so used to Singaporean efficiency that I really cannot tahan the 'working attitude' of this place.