A Warrior's Journey

Things I've learnt...
Real love waits. It endures, it perseveres. It is not self serving, always placing the other person before yourself.
Don't ask questions you don't want to hear answers to.
The world has no idea what love is and they so desperately need to know.

Unfortunately, more often than not, they don't see it in Christians.

Am I worth the wait?
What do you see in me?
I've haven't got anything figured out.

A leader?
That which I aspire, but nobody follows me.

A brother?
I fail those who are my brothers, I am unable to fight alongside them.

A friend?
I've let you down.

A man who could be the one?
I'm not very sure now.

Why, O Lord, why...

Yesterday, Carol's bf came to visit her from Hongkong so the bunch of us went out for a meal in Chinatown, followed by, you guessed it... Karaoke. Seems like the only thing you can do after dark in Sydney hehe. I'm starting to really ponder the reason to why I don't really like to sing k. I think it is mando pop in general lah. Its like, every other song is a love song and every other song presents this 'natural' love that we are all conditioned to accept. Its the same old 'story,' the same old 'cliches' and I can only sit back and think, 'if only it was this simple.' What is love? Cliche question I know, but seriously, how do you define it? How does it work? What is this 爱 that the chinese speaking music industry has presented to us as 'the norm?'

Ok, I think I finally realise why I don't really like to sing K.
Everytime I go to sing karaoke, I will be bombarded by love songs. Almost 90% of them if not all. And these love songs remind me of E. And everytime I hear these songs, I'm tempted to follow my natural impulses in pursuing love, in looking for love with her. In looking for happiness in a relationship with her. Despite the odds being against us in our present situation, they tempt me with the possibility that it could happen, it could work out. 'Love conquers all.'

True, love conquers all. But it is not a love that is humanly possible. Only God's love is able to conquer all and as a Christian, it is only through God's love that I am able to love at all. My gripe with the mandopop industry is in its wrongful portrayal of love. Its a portrayal that appeals to our natural desires, our sinful flesh.

The great Christian paradox in love is this.
If you expect to love out of your own strength, you will fail.
If you expect him/her to be the source of your love and you expect him/her to love you as much as you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him/her to bring you fulfillment, you will not receive it in a relationship.

But yet, every other pop song encourages us to seek love, seek fulfillment in each other, in our relationships. It is a basic human need that is grossly misrepresented. Yes, we all need love. But not in the way you see it in Jay Chou or S.H.E or Louis Koo songs. There is only one source for love. Yes, only one. (If there is something I can impart to my lifegroup kids in Singapore that I didn't get to tell them before, its this; there is only one source of love. Your gf/bf isn't it. There is great danger in making them 'your world' because a God who loves you so much won't allow your heart to have another.)

Anyway, I digress.
The path that me and E have chosen to take is a path that is not easy. Not common, and extremely faith stretching. It is not how the world sees 'love and relationships.' It is something that is impossible by willpower alone to continue. No one except God would know how I feel.
In a world where 'love' means 'instant gratification' and 'having your needs met.' You have no idea how much I struggle to so order my relationship under His rule and His direction.

Its tough and going to sing K and listening to those sappy songs does nothing to my resolution.


*PS, this post is quite messy, alot of train of thought writing here, pardon the tardiness.

"Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer"
- Eyes on Me, Faye Wong, from Final Fantasy 8 soundtrack.

Words in bold, private joke.

Just got back from paintball. 'Ouch' just about sums it up. I could post pictures, but I don't wanna scare you with my injuries. Serious.

Yesterday was Mid Autumn festival and a coupla us chinese people went out to 'shang yue'~ We went out the day before and got these supposedly very famous mooncakes that were originally from Hongkong. Funny how you get the compulsion to want to celebrate such festivals because you're in a foreign land which back home, you wouldn't really care to celebrate it. At least, not in this fashion.

The plan: Mooncakes and Tea~ Ok, so mooncakes settled liao. Tea how? I initially thought we could maybe get someone to boil the tea and keep it in a thermal flask or something then we can have mooncakes and hot chinese tea. Haha... in the end, we heck care everything and settled for Polka Green Tea. What to do? Must support local wat. Polka Green Tea is a product of Singapore ok~

So mooncakes we have, tea we have. What's next? Yup, you guessed it. LANTERNS~ Alex graciously managed to source some for us. Actually I was kinda disappointed initially that we didn't manage to find any cheap, small lanterns. The kind we use to play with as kids. Ah well, kudos to Alex for managing to source some for us then. So all the ingredients are set for a nice 'cosy' night out in town. We eventually came to settle in the open area by the quay, right outside the Contemporary Art Museum.

A picture speaks a thousand words so, in lieu of this, here are some pics~



The merry bunch with our lanterns~ From left, Carol, Kailing, Johnny, Alex, Teo, me, Jiaming, Steven



两个傻丫头～



Let our lanterns combine~



Now this is an interesting tradition. 煲蠟 which loosely translates as 'boiling wax.' I've never seen this done in Singapore but according to the Hongkongers, this is a tradition for them. Basically you gather all the remaining candles you have, pile them all together and set them on fire. Traditionally, you use the leftover mooncake boxes you have as the base. The fire will eventually use the wax as fuel and make a huge bonfire. I asked Alex how the custom came about. "Well, last time in HK, when you're done with the lanterns and you have a lot of candles left over, people thought they might as well light them up and enjoy the glow in the night. They then realised that it looked quite nice too and decided to set up all alight, and eventually it became tradition in the form of 煲蠟."

I thought about this and now I think I know why there is no such custom in Singapore. If someone has made this suggestion in Singapore years ago, the same time this came to be accepted in HK, inevitably, someone will say, "Siao ah, waste so many candles for wat!!"





Carol drew the moon fairy in the sand.

T'was a bright moon down by the quay. With the opera house in the distance, the moon seemed like a bright lamp in the sky.

"Forgive me O Lord, for I am too comfortable, too lazy. I worry about trifles, and I take so much for granted. Save me, Lord, from the presumption that I've earned what I have by my own efforts, alone, that I'm 'my own man.' Help me, O Lord, to be faithful to the sacrifices of those who came before me, on whose shoulders I stand today - and out of that, to be faithful to Your sacrifice for me in Jesus.

Remember and never forget where you came from." - Gordon Dalbey.

To the generations of 俞 men gone by, I salute thee.

The past week had been a hectic week and towards the end, it was kinda fun. There is this symphonic orchestra that was formed in Sydney which plays anime/game music and on friday, a couple of us went to one of its concerts by an ensemble from said orchestra. 'Destiny' was thoroughly enjoyable even I wished the music lasted longer. They played music from many famous series such as Gundam Seed, Naruto, Howl's Moving Castle etc. Of particular mention are the works of Joe Hisashi who composes for many of Studio Ghibli's work. The founder of the orchestra is a young Hiroaki Yura who is only 23 years old. It is very evident he is a huge fan of Joe Hisashi, what with all the praise that comes out of his lips at every song's introduction, hehe.

The music was nice, charming, soothing and elegant. I had very much wished someone was with me as I listened to the music but ah well, you can't have everything. I especially like pieces from Princess Momonoke and Final Fantasy, arguably one of the best examples of anime/game music. Later on Saturday night, we went to 唱K, which to all you Singaporeans, means KTV lah. Now, if you're going to be heading to a KTV with 4 Hongkongers (ok, 2 Aussies, 1 Singaporean PR with and 1 true blue Hongkonger, but they all came from HK!), it only means the evening will be one gigantic cantonese lesson. Now I've always thought the KTV is like one huge waste of money to me. I don't listen to mandopop, much less cantopop. As such, not only do I not know the songs that are sung, I don't particularly feel for them. That is to say, I can't really get into the groove of singing them. Now I consider myself a singer. Meaning I do know a little of the mechanics of singing, using your diaphragm and all that. Or to paraphrase E, "since you can worship lead, don't tell me cannot sing." I find that I can only really truly 'sing' when I'm in church or when I'm singing 'praise and worship' songs. With all those commercial songs, the songs I like and would not mind singing are the songs that I find particularly meaningful or mean something to me personally. I find it very rare that a song moves me enough, among the mandopop and cantopop world.

Anyway, it was a fun time and I got through the 'cantonese 101' lesson with a better understanding of the language and overall it was heaps of fun as everyone just let down their inhibitions and sang. I look forward to the next 'K' outing~

An aerial satellite image of Jurong is as close as I can get to seeing her.

No time to think, no time to linger. Two projects due on Friday with both in relative states of 'unfinishness.' Housemate got food poisoning from food I cooked on Monday which somehow no one bothered to put into the fridge and which he took to eat. Hmmm...

I fear going back to Singapore and being unable to recognize my dad because of the Parkinson's. I can hear the change overcoming him in his voice. Fear and expectation, both abound as I face the prospect of returning home.